With major wars currently taking place in Ukraine, Russia, Israel, Gaza, Lebanon and Sudan, you likely have seen or heard about what is happening and may even know someone or have family involved. Though the fighting is occurring thousands of miles away, their impacts can be personal and difficult.
With just weeks until Thanksgiving and then the arrival of winter holidays, there is a lot to look forward to. But it can be hard to allow yourself space for happiness and celebration when there is so much pain and trauma happening around the world.
“Finding happiness can be challenging during difficult times,” says Riva Levy, group therapist at Princeton House Behavioral Health—Inpatient Princeton and the Prevention Programs Coordinator at the Municipality of Princeton’s Human Services Department. “As a therapist, I facilitate groups focused on dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT). ‘Dialectical’ refers to the idea that two opposing truths can exist simultaneously.”
Levy deals with multiple truths on a daily basis. As a therapist and an Israeli American living in Princeton, she uses the tools of DBT in her own life.
“I embody this concept by acknowledging that while I experience sadness, I can also find joy and meaning in my life. To nurture that joy, I prioritize self-care. I practice yoga regularly, swim, walk, and spend time with family and friends. I also make it a point to participate in and organize events supporting Israel and our Princeton community and youth, which are very important to me,” Levy shares. “Over the past year, I have experienced deep sadness due to the devastating events that occurred in Israel on October 7, 2023, where most of my family resides. As the holiday season approaches, I strive to find joy with my family and friends amid the pain.”
Whether your family celebrates holidays at this time of year or not, it is hard to live in America and not hear the holiday music, see the holiday sites, and notice programming and events popping up on the calendar. When one goes to sleep with news of an attack, and wakes up to learn about another, it can be difficult to get excited for what is to come. Yet, how you think about it can help you to endure.
“I always talk about mourning as a double entendre – mourning and morning. Part of mourning is there is a new day (a morning) – and to have hope, there has to be,” notes Dr. Sharon Rose Powell, licensed Princeton-area psychologist.
To help get through the years of war going on in Ukraine, Princetonian David Gelfgat and his wife Margarita have been embodying this idea, waking up each Sunday morning to display their hope outside the FitzRandolph Gate at Nassau and Witherspoon Streets. David was born in Moscow but spent part of his childhood in Rony, in the Sumy region of Ukraine. His wife was born and raised in Donetsk, Ukraine. The shock of what happened in February 2022 has led them to do what they can to help.
“I couldn’t remain indifferent. So, [on February 25, 2022] I went out to the center of Princeton with a banner ’STOP Putin’s aggression against Ukraine!’ Many Russian, Ukrainian, and English-speaking Princeton and surrounding area residents united around me in our Facebook group Princeton for Ukraine. Our group regularly holds rallies not only for the purchase and delivery of medical supplies to wounded Ukrainians, but also to remind people that Ukraine is fighting not only for its independence, territorial integrity and freedom, but also opposes the dictatorial regimes of Russia and its allies North Korea and Iran in their efforts to destroy the foundations of democratic values of Western civilization,” Gelfgat explains.
Worried about all of their relatives, friend and all Ukrainians, this is what they can do to help. They will all remain strong in their hearts and minds, but it won’t keep them from celebrating Thanksgiving with family later this month.
When they do gather, will they let themselves feel the joy of being alive, and be thankful with family? Dr. Powell says as much as suffering is part of the human condition, so is the need to connect and laugh.
“We have to be able to hold both at the same time. It feels incongruous to be so sad and yet feel joy but that is what allows us to survive, have strength, resilience and be fortified. At family gatherings, more than ever, we need to come together to connect to laugh, hold one another, appreciate what we have and pray for those suffering right now,” Dr. Powell adds. “It’s the only way we can survive.”
In Princeton, many are working to find moments of laughter amidst the worry and fear for family abroad. One Lebanese-American family, who asked to remain unnamed, detailed how family members in Lebanon have had to routinely weigh fleeing their homes or the country with staying and hearing bombs overhead.
“It’s been a tough year, for most of the world I would argue. Between Gaza, Ukraine, Sudan, the US election, school shootings, hurricanes, historic rainfall and flooding and on and on. One heartbreak after another. Processing the daily traumas across the world while wanting to protect and shield the kids is a lot for all parents. Part of protecting them is trying to carry on as normal including enjoying the holidays. We love Thanksgiving and Christmas times, the lights, decorations, treats, the winter village in Bryant Park, good food, good drinks, sweet treats, spending time with our family – all of it feels magical. And precious. As we get older you realize life really is short.”
With this realization, they make it a point to celebrate and enjoy time with each other. Though they have constant thoughts of the mothers and fathers that no longer have children to celebrate with, or of kids searching for their next meal, they believe living and celebrating must go on. Added to that, is trying to learn and understand each other better while doing so.
“We try to celebrate as many holidays as possible because one way I really believe we can challenge the othering and dehumanization of others is through relationships and education,” the family shares. “My husband and I are Jesuit educated, so we learned about all three monotheistic religions and studied world religions in high school but not in depth like Christianity, Judaism and Islam. My husband grew up experiencing several wars, so what’s happening today is resurfacing many years of trauma and makes us acutely aware of the dangers of othering. Over the years we’ve celebrated Eid al-Fitr which marks the end of Ramadan. It is very similar to Christmas or Hanukkah. Kids get gifts or money, they wear new outfits, visit family, etc. We’ve also celebrated Christmas, joined friends for Passover Seder, had Easter egg hunts, and joined friends to celebrate Diwali and the Chinese New Year. We will continue to join friends for holidays and celebrations. Now more than ever, it’s important to take every opportunity to share traditions, show people that we have more in common than not, and make sure our children have a global understanding of the world.”
Since moving to Princeton, this family has made volunteering a part of their holiday tradition. Each member of the family works with a family participating in Princeton’s Holiday Gift Drive, allowing them to help others that live nearby.
There is also comfort to be found in helping those far away. Students at Princeton University have been invited to help with TeleHelp Ukraine, “a nonprofit providing free, quality mental health and medical support through telemedicine to Ukrainians affected by the Russian invasion.” Volunteers are helping in non-clinical ways, such as working with people to sign up for appointments, assisting in operations, web development and project management. Clinically, they are also helping with support and follow up care.
Another way to help those fighting for freedom is through the Holiday Adopt-A-Family Program, organized by Soldiers’ Angels. Though American soldiers do not have their boots on the ground in most of the current conflicts, many have been positioned to jump in if necessary, and others remain in difficult situations and away from their families as a whole. To help, businesses, organizations and individuals are able to sign up to provide gifts for the children of qualifying Veteran and Military families as well as a grocery gift card to help them celebrate with a full holiday dinner.
It is human to care about and think about those that are in harm’s way, especially if they’re family. If those feelings become too cumbersome or preclude you from living your regular life, you may want to seek out help. If you do not have access to a provider, Princeton Human Services and Princeton Integrated Behavioral Health can offer help or guidance. In addition, finding ways to help others could enable you to move forward, knowing that you are doing what you can in these times. Beyond the above examples, there are numerous causes and organizations helping those both here and abroad.
Though finding happiness can be challenging right now, we hope that you find ways to laugh, love and celebrate this holiday season. And as we do so, may we all wish for peace around the world.
Lisa Jacknow spent years working in national and local news in and around New York City before moving to Princeton. Working as both a TV producer and news reporter, Lisa came to this area to focus on the local news of Mercer County at WZBN-TV. In recent years, she got immersed in the Princeton community by serving leadership roles at local schools in addition to volunteering for other local non-profits. In her free time, Lisa loves to spend time with her family, play tennis, sing and play the piano. A graduate of the S. I. Newhouse School of Public Communications at Syracuse University, Lisa was raised just north of Boston, Massachusetts but has lived in the tri-state area since college. She is excited to be Editor and head writer for Princeton Perspectives!